He was, like, “We were hard on Armstrong because we don’t like cheaters.” I was, like, “No, because we don’t give a fuck about bicycling, that’s why.” If he played a good sport, he would’ve been fine.īaseball and football players cheat constantly. “Fuck it, if it harms one child…” Lance Armstrong was everywhere. Actually, if it helps no children, I will do Molly. If someone came to me: “Neal, you can cure pediatric AIDS, but you’re gonna have to do a ton of cocaine”, I’d be, like… “Let’s help some kids, huh?” I’d be willing to do Molly as well, if it helps just one child. Say what you want, but he figured out a way to do drugs for charity. He won the Tour de France seven times on drugs every time, but because of that, he was able to raise $100 million for cancer research. But now that I’ve seen the movie, it’s more complicated. Going into the movie, I thought what we all thought about Armstrong… Maybe he’s a piece of garbage. There’s one on Netflix called Stop at Nothing. Here’s the thing: They’ve made some good documentaries about him. The one that got me the most, though, was Lance Armstrong. Oscar Pistorius, Tiger Woods, Donald Sterling. Because of the Internet and technology, everything’s out on the street now. If you’re under 25, you’ve grown up in a world of constant scandal. They’d be, like, “Get the fuck out of our bank.” You’re, like, “I will, but I did have a way to pay you guys back.” I was gonna give you $80 a month for the next 240 years.” But also… “I’m gonna get a degree in Sociology.” If you had to go to the bank, to the small business desk, and ask, “I’m gonna need $150,000.” They’d be, like, “What’s your business idea?” “Here’s the idea: For the next four years,” I’m going to get black-out drunk.
If they called them small business loans, no 18-year-old kid would ever get the loan. Because I realized early on that these student loans are basically small business loans, and the business is you, and you’re maybe not such a great business. At these prices, that’s all the information we’re willing to give you.” Yeah, I was lucky enough to have dropped out. It’s not like you’re getting better facts, you know? It’s not like a community college history class, they’re gonna be, like, “Well, the Revolutionary War started immediately after the Boston Tea Party. The fact that they charge one price at one college and another price at another college is so dumb. How many people have student loan debt, by a round of applause? If you’re under 25, you’re probably in school or just got out of school. They’d be, like, “Do you like me?” “Yeah, I like you.” “Great, I just got a like.” If they told someone about you, and you had sex with that person, that was a retweet. You know how your parents got likes? By fucking people. You’re not having sex because you’re too busy online trying to get likes.
You know what that means? You did drugs to get better at school. And your parents grew up in the middle of AIDS and were still, like, “Fuck it, I can’t be stopped.” You’re dorks. You’re the first generation ever to have fewer sexual partners than their parents, you fucking dorks. That many people are, like, “Your music stinks, bro!” And I know music… I’m from Tampa. ♪ Dun-dun-dun-duh Dun-dun-dun-duh ♪ The most famous song of all time. Because I was on YouTube… Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Or at least knows someone who can afford… Yeah, whereas… Which, a lot of these sites, like YouTube, you got people giving thumbs up, thumbs down, that are just not qualified. Here’s why I like Netflix, because Netflix… You get a rating on Netflix, one through five, but you know the person giving the rating is a certain class of person who can afford eight dollars a month. The Little League World Series, or, as pedophiles call it, the World Series.
The Internet is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, except every adventure ends with me masturbating.